I’ve recently received a few emails from fellow Christians asking about how they should best handle people in their lives whom they love, but who don’t love Christ. A son whose father isn’t saved; a man whose wife wants no part of his newfound faith, a woman whose faith strains her relationship with her beloved friend. Like that.
All Christians have in their lives people to whom they are close, but who don’t share their faith. I was certainly in that situation after I got Instantly Saved; the Lord did not at the same time sweep my wife off her feet. (She was, in fact, away on a business trip at the time. If you’d like, you can read about that whole incident in “I, a Rabid Anti-Christian, Very Suddenly Convert.”)
For what it’s worth, here’s my advice on What To Do With the Nonbelievers In Your Life:
There are three components involved in any relationship you have with another person: You, the other person, and the relationship that exists between the two of you. That’s all of it, right there: That’s the whole Relationship Combo. Nothing in a relationship exists outside those three elements. You handle each of those three things correctly, and everything about that relationship goes well.
So the question is, what attitude—what guiding principle, what constantly motivating emotional truth—should you take care to bring to each of those three dimensions in your relationship with a nonbeliever in your life?
About yourself, be humble.
Toward the other person, be loving.
Toward the relationship that exists between the two of you, be patient.
Humility, love and patience. There is no mountain those three can’t move.
Humility: You must keep your awareness of this quality at the fore of your consciousness whenever you’re dealing with a nonbeliever in your life. If you fail to do so, you will become strident in your attitude toward them: You will (however subtly) begin preaching to them, lecturing them, telling them what, how, and who they should be. That’s not the sort of oil that keeps a relationship running smoothly. We all know we must be humble before God. Let us also not forget to be humble before the people in our lives—each of whom is, after all, an example of God’s greatest creation, and made in His image. Remember: You didn’t deserve to be saved. Being chosen by God isn’t anything to be proud of; it’s something to be grateful for. Humble up.
Love: As God loves us, we must love others. Of course that can be difficult—look at what it cost Christ to be unconditionally and absolutely loving towards all of us. If our Lord can suffer that, we can suffer whatever psychological or emotional pain it causes us to remain loving towards any person in our life—and especially toward any nonbeliever, for whom we can trust God has a special interest. God counts on us to love others, to be his loving agents on earth. Simply love the nonbeliever in your life. Christ will take it from there.
Patience: This is God’s world, not ours. We keep time; we have watches and calendars and clocks and so on. God sits at the heart of eternity. I think it’s safe to say he’s not wearing a wristwatch. When it comes to the relationship between you and a nonbeliever—and especially with a nonbeliever to whom you’re necessarily close—be patient. Wait. Never stop waiting. Have no agenda. Let God’s will, in God’s time, shape the relationship between you and the other person. When you’re involved in a relationship with a nonbeliever, you are involved in one of the most important, precious dynamics given to any believer. Don’t try to take the wheel of that relationship; don’t start driving it in the way you think best. Give God the wheel. All you have to do with your nonbeliever is climb into the backseat with them—and then, side by side, the two of you can just enjoy the ride.
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Posted by Mary on September 17, 2008 at 11:30 am
You’re welcome, John. Your story is one of those Way Cool ones I hear ever now and then and that just makes my soul thrill. Jesus really is something, isn’t he?
For some reason, Rev 3:15 & 16 just slammed to the front of my mind in regard to those who are hostile toward Christ and Christianity:
“I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So because you are lukewarm, neither hot nor cold- I am about to spit you out of my mouth.”
I understand the context of this passage, but I’ve always found the scripture as alive as can be, fitting many different situations. In that light, I wonder whether it isn’t easier for Christ to touch the heart of one passionately against Him as opposed to one who’s just ‘sitting on a fence’… ?
Sounds like you were one of those that passionately against. At times, the man I love can be overwhelming in his disgust of what he sees as hypocrisy in Christians. Sometimes he’s right, sometimes he just doesn’t understand… but through it all, he’s definitely HOT about what he thinks! He’s something, alright… This man of mine- Mr. Intense. It’s going to be interesting to see how the Spirit works with him.
Posted by concernedgirl on December 23, 2008 at 5:09 am
I stayed up all night researching on this topic because I’m afraid although my intentions were good regarding ministering to my boyfriend I’m afraid my fear of losing him to death in his sins has caused me to show him the harsh things opposed to the God of Love that I know. Struggling with being unequally yoked has been a battle of mine for over a year now, yet I’m afraid that if I break up with him and give up hope…He’ll stray even further away…His heart is so cold I guess I lost faith in the strength of the Lord his ability to tackle even the hardest of hearts. He just doesn’t understand why God would create us if he knew some of us would be going to hell. He thinks that God is cruel and just toying with us. I don’t know what to do but pray I don’t want to be unequally yoked but he’s so depressed I fear it will have harsh effects.
Posted by Jeff on March 7, 2009 at 2:30 pm
I am a Christian man married to a non-believer. We get along Ok most of the time. My one issue is that she likes to watch the type of movies that, as a Christian, you should not be watching. Demonic movies and soft core porn type movies. I can not abide watching or even listening to them in my house. She sees nothing wrong with them and refuses to stop watching them. I don’t believe these type of movies have any place in a Christian’s home. Even if I don’t watch them it still bothers me that she is watching them in the other room. She thinks I am wierd and says, “everybody watches these movies, they are just entertainment” this is going to cause us to break up. Help!
Posted by John Shore on March 8, 2009 at 11:17 am
Jeff: Why do you care what she watches as long as you’re not seeing it?
Posted by Jeff on March 8, 2009 at 11:18 am
I have always been taught that as a believer, you should not allow that kind of thing into your house. And I was taught that it is the husband’s responsibility to God as to what is allowed to be prevalent in his house. This is whether you are watching it personally or not.
Posted by John Shore on March 8, 2009 at 11:24 am
Jeff: You say, “I have always been taught…” So you have always been a Christian?
Posted by Jeff on March 8, 2009 at 11:30 am
I was saved at 25 years old. Have been a Christian 25 years. Mostly in Southern Baptist church where I learned most of what I believe. Am I being too harsh on this?
Posted by John Shore on March 8, 2009 at 11:33 am
How long have you been married?
Posted by Jeff on March 8, 2009 at 11:41 am
Three years. And yes I do know it was my fault to begin with for marrying a non-believer. I was married for 20 years previously to a Christian woman (that is another story for another time..haha) As I have found out there are a lot of problems in a “believer – nonbeliever” marriage. Some of the comments of the folks on this blog have helped me. We have worked a lot of the problems out, except for the movie thing. I used to do a lot of preaching at her and wanting her to go to church. I have learned that is not the way to go.
Posted by John Shore on March 8, 2009 at 11:56 am
Well, it sounds to me like you’ve got the right idea: take it slowly; don’t preach; don’t condemn. All such stuff (as you know) will only drive you further apart (and her further from Xtianity). To be honest, with this post here, you’ve already read the best of what I have to say on this matter. Be humble, be patient, be loving.
And you’re right, of course: You are lying in the bed you made.
It’s not just the movie thing; after that, it would be another “thing.” You’ve got to decide if you’re all right with her being a Xtian or not. REALLY, and finally, decide. Don’t do the Life Waffle nonsense. You’re either in or out. You’re either okay with her being a non-Christian, or you’re not. If you’re not okay with it, you and she have a lot of pain coming. If you are okay with her continuing to be the woman you married, then back off of her, and let her be that woman.
Posted by shawnierae on June 29, 2009 at 6:06 pm
I came across this post last night after the relationship i was in ended, ultimately because he is a believer and I’m not. I was trying to find information to “build my case” and show him that we could be together. I love this man with all of my heart, and believe me, there is no one on this earth who wishes they could find God, right now, more than me. I’m not posting to get advice on how to find God or anything like that…I’m really just hoping for some answers that will help me understand. He won’t really talk to me about it so I don’t know what it is that’s concerning him. Obviously the fact that I don’t believe…and I can’t even REALLY say that…I don’t think there’s a God, but I don’t know for sure…sometimes I wonder.
OK..back on track…I am accepting of his beliefs and wouldn’t ever try change them. I could list all my great qualities and traits but for the sake of simplicity, just assume I am a good person and I do my best to live a good life. Other than my not believing, there is no other reason for him not wanting to be with me. If we are happy together, why does it matter so much what I believe or don’t believe? Thanks for your time and help.
Posted by John Shore on June 29, 2009 at 6:14 pm
Shawn: I’m sorry; I don’t mean to be rude or anything. But I keep getting stuck on “He won’t really talk to me about it …”. If he won’t even TALK to you about something so absolutely fundamental to your relationship—something profoundly germane to it, which you’re clearly open to lovingly discussing—then … then I just can’t understand what possible hope there could be for that relationship anyway. Either he doesn’t really like you and he’s just using not talking to you about THE issue in your relationships as a means of keeping you at a distance, or he’s just a dick. Either way … how can this work for you?
Posted by shawnierae on June 29, 2009 at 6:31 pm
Well….that wasn’t exactly what I was expecting!
I really want to believe he’s not just a dick, but unfortunately you might be right. I didn’t think you were being rude…just honest and I appreciate that.
I am still curious as to what the reasons are. I keep seeing references to “unequally yoked”. Why is this such an issue?
Posted by KristieA on July 30, 2009 at 12:10 pm
Hi,
Like others I am with a non-believer boyfriend of over one year. I know I love him, but I’m afraid the religious aspect will be a problem if I were to marry him. He tells me it’s discrimination to not be with someone of a different religion/if any. He says as long as someone’s morals are good then I shouldn’t judge someone. Anyone have advice for this?!! I don’t want to end it because I am crazy about him, but I’m scared it will cause a problem in the future. Thanks
Posted by John Shore on July 30, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Here’s a piece of advice I wrote on this exact topic:
http://johnshore.com/2008/09/09/christian-marrying-a-non-christian-marriage-fail/
Posted by Deandra on February 12, 2010 at 2:33 am
How great to find this article at this time! I broke off my relationship last week because my partner is not a Christian and as such I found myself engaging in sexual activities much to my guilt and frustration. He also could not understand or appreciate why I did not want to get involved in certain other activities. He complained that I had too many rules. I care for him very much and would like for us to be together but I could not sacrifice my relationship with God. I would also like him to find that love, peace and happiness that only God can give but I have tried all that you mentioned in your article to no avail. I have invited him to church, he said yes but found some excuse on the day. He still prays and acknowledges God but something or someone has turned his mind from church. What can I do?
Posted by John Shore on February 13, 2010 at 6:53 am
Well, it sounds like you’ve already done what it seems to me you should, which is drop him.